How I Reclaimed My Virginity

A fellow Tweeter tweeted something tonight that prompted this post.

He said, "Someone stole my virginity."

I replied with, "I've reclaimed mine."

Then he asked, "Was it in the lost in found?"

No. It wasn't in the lost and found. Toast's husband had it.

See, here's what happened...

Against everyone's better judgement (I had none and had to rely on others for guidance, which I seldom listened to anyway), Toast's ex and I were kind of an item back in the days of my misspent youth, not that I'm watching my pennies very closely nowadays, but whatever. I thought he was the cat's meow (antiquated, or, making the best phrase revival EVER since Booyah? Which I hear is making a big comeback by the way...), everyone else thought he was a douche. Anyway, tragically long story short, I wasted five years of my sex life with him. (By the way, he doesn't even deserve one of the AAAs - alias, acronym, or abbreviation.)

Fast forward however many years...I really didn't keep track of how long it was before Toast and her now ex-husband got together. She and I weren't talking at the time due to some childish bullshit and misunderstanding, but I ran into --- one day at the beach and he told me they were together. What did I do upon hearing this information? Damned right I did...I threatened his fucking life if he ever hurt her.

Why? Because even though we hadn't spoken word one to each other for more than a year, I LOVE Toast. She's a part of me. And I knew him. She did, too, but we both gave he-who-is-undeserving-of-AAA the benefit of the doubt in thinking that maybe people can change. FAIL. Well, I take that back. From what I understand, they were pretty happy together for a few years, buuuut then, sadly, the inevitable happened. He fell of the fidelity wagon.

Obviously, since I previously stated that he's her ex, they got a divorce. And since we'd kissed and made up many years prior to that divorce (actually, even prior to their wedding), Toast gave me the green light to kick his ass. And believe me, I could totally take him (C'mon Toast, back me up here...I could, huh? Hey, remember that fight we got into down in TJ? Good times...) but, neither of us really wanted to waste any more of our time or effort on him (ironic that I'm writing a blog about the fucker, huh?) so I didn't hunt his weasel ass down.

Anyway, seeing as how I had threatened him physically years beforehand and was completely prepared to throw down if I ever saw him (still am, too, so bring it, you AAAless fuck) and simply because I rock, Toast and I decided, separately, that we'd take back what was ours in the divorce. I got my virginity, Toast got her pride, dignity, self-esteem, and, well, she essentially got her life back.

And that, in a nutshell, is why I say that I'm a virgin.

(Oh, by the way, Toast didn't get her virginity back in the divorce. If she wants it, she'll have to pay a visit to my cousin, D ... ;-p)